Faaaaan jag är utmattad.
Dansade typ hela natten och drack riktigt mycket men jag känner mig så jävla bra. Jag är lyckligast när jag är ute, när jag är omgiven av människor, när jag får glömma bort stressen jag får i skolan.
Jag är stolt, jag är nöjd och jag är lycklig.
Det saknas bara en sak nu.. Jag längtar efter någon att komma hem till. Jag längtar efter någon att göra saker med, någon att vara stolt över. Någon att planera saker med, någon att handla tillsammans med och att laga mat med.
Någon som kan fylla det tomrummet i mitt hjärta.
Du liegst und schweigst
Du liegst und schweigst und träumst der Stunde nach,
der Süßigkeit, dem sanften Sein des andern,
keiner ist übermächtig oder schwach,
du gibst und nimmst und gibst - die Kräfte wandern.
— Gottfried Benn
What blooms is
A loop of light
Throbbing, the beating of my heart.
Haven’t written about my love life in a long while but here goes…
There’s this guy back home who’s really into me, I mean really. Like he keeps texting me how much he misses me constantly, how much he loves me… We went out a few times and I’ve been to his place on numerous occasions, we’ve played League together and stuff so yeah. We’ve also been physical somewhat but not really anything serious. He’s actually pretty good looking and he’s literally got one of the hottest bodies I’ve ever seen. I care about him, I think he’s funny and gentle and very attentive. He’s gotten me some gifts already, he actually ordered me Rilakkuma from Japan, can you believe that? Neither can I. So, everything sounds perfect right?
Not really… It just doesn’t spark for me. I feel nothing for him. Absolutely nothing. I’ve lied to him though. He told me he loved me and I replied “I love you too”. I’m SO stupid. I feel awful for that. If I’d ever end up in an actual relationship with him it’d only be for the physical part. I really hate being in a situation like this because I never know how to handle anything. I don’t wanna break his heart but I don’t wanna lie to him either.
What to do… :(
Today I dreamed I went to the city with our previous neighbour Carine to do groceries together. She then mentioned she had to drop by the news agent’s too so we drove there as well. When I walked in I saw my ex-boyfriend Anthony. He was there with his new girlfriend Hannah, she was so beautiful. Olive skin, dark hair and eyes that shone bright hazel. He actually has a boyfriend in real life so I have no idea where I got that from in my dream. Anyway, when I walked in he pretended to not have seen me, even though it was a small store and there’s no way he couldn’t have. So I walked to wards him and started to make conversation, he laughed. He didn’t talk much and he was nervous. His girlfriend smiled at me but she then stepped out of the store for some reason. By the time we finally started talking Carine entered the store too and with a big smile she asked me who I was talking to. I didn’t wanna tell her so I became nervous. She finally got the hint and walked out again. I knew I had to go soon too so I asked if I could kiss him again. He was a little hesitative but he eventually agreed and we had a very, very intense kiss.
Ha. Even in my dreams I’m wrecking other people’s homes.